Quizcuttage.

How evil are you?Angelic. You're right, babydoll, these things are rigged. Spent today going over the things I needed to review according to the 72% on the end-of-review-book final exam. Will spend tomorrow morning taking more tests, and tomorrow afternoon panicking. Cable dropped out for an hour again today. Called. They are not working on it. If it happens again, I'll schedule a service call. What a pain. Youth choir chimes went well. Now...it's on to write that autopsy report. Which means I need to find articles. Fun.

Mmmmph. Purgatory. They're so sweet.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test Awakened late. Today is Pathology day. Friday is the exam *shudders* Anyone who sees me on tonight after 9, kindly remind me that I have a paper to write up on the autopsy.

Charles Wallace...

At Tara in this fateful hour I place all Heaven with its power, And the sun with its brightness, And the snow with its whiteness, And fire with all the strength it hath, And the lightning with its rapid wrath, And the winds with their swiftness along their path, And the sea with its deepness, And the rocks with their steepness, And the earth with its starkness, All these I place, by God’s almighty help and grace Between myself and the powers of darkness.

It's apparently originally an ancient Celtic prayer attributed to St. Patrick, made most famous by Madeleine L'Engle in "A Swiftly Tilting Planet" (with a bit of expansion).

All these I place...

Butterflies are free and so are we...

It was a chance meeting on a MOO. I worked helpdesk in the summer, helpdesk half the time and web administration the other half. I was bored. I spent half the day roleplaying, just chatting. A total stranger. Funny how little things happen. Funny how they change the way you see things. Strayling didn't want to go home for Thanksgiving. We had a week off. I didn't want to give up my friends. I don't think Ryk ever wanted to go home again, at the time. Angel was in Japan. So we decided we'd go camping, the three of us, on the East Coast. In South Carolina, to be exact. Well, North Carolina was on the way, and we'd all talked to B in varying degrees, so we figured we'd invite him and any of his friends who wanted to go. Why not? He didn't seem like a serial killer. Turns out B was the only one who could go. Turns out it was in the 50's the whole time we were there. Not exactly great beach weather, but we had a good time. Remember rescuing the eel? Setting up the tent in the rain? Going on a walk in the dark to find the beach? Leaving "the boys" to start a fire with green wood and no flashlights? I should tell this tale, but it's not about the camping trip right now. You meet people by chance. Funny thing, how it changes. He joined the Army. He came home and came to see us on his leave. He's listened and confided, cuddled and cried. He's engaged to a wonderful woman whom I adore. And now the word is out: He's leaving for the desert on Thursday morning. For a year. God damn it. I hate this war. Angel's dad is in Europe for who knows how long. And now this. Butterfly: Come home safe and sound, heart-whole and healed. Come back not just for Jen, but for all of us. Be safe, somehow, be enfolded in wings of protection and love and slip unscathed through the dangers. Do what you have to do, but remember always and forever that I love you and I'm praying for you. Come home.

Thank you, Johnny-boy...

Manchester A Cappella Choir tour to Carnegie Hall. John Rutter conducting. The man's a gigantic English dick, but he writes the most beautiful music. Psalm 27, boys and girls, "The Lord is my light and my salvation"...

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom then shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked, mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD. Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. Hide not thy face from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation. When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies. Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty. I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

asked a question today that put me in mind of it, for some reason. Maybe because mine enemies are encamped against me, fear and doubt and delay and procrastination. Maybe because I heard it on Sunday, from Guy. Maybe because I'll never be able to get that chorus out of my head.

Wait, I say, on the LORD.

Funny...

I thought it sucked at the time, but when I look back at "vingt-quatre," I like it more than I thought I did. Finished cardiovascular at 9 PM. Quit for the night. Spent much time bemoaning the shoddiness of downloadable AVI's (I'm such a purist any more) before going to bed. Am now four sections behind before even starting the day. Off to wrap up GIT, at least. I hate Medicine.

Numenorean.

Numenorean

To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla Went to the 50th anniversary celebration at Beacon Heights today. I miss it. Pastor Guy, who left when I was 6 or 7, preached. He still remembers me, "You're Nicole? Do you still have your nose stuck in a book?" I laughed. Apparently, I made an impression. His sermon involved Lord of the Rings, and the Cliff's notes summary of hos it was a microcosm of theology. And he brought Samwise into it. Samwise...who is one of my favourite literary characters ever, because his innocence is so uncorruptible. And we sang "How Great thou Art" and I almost cried, with everyone there, it was so awesome. Day's been up and down since then. Still on C-V, dammit. I hate Medicine suddenly.

Courtesty www.userfriendly.org today:

The only legitimate use of the blink tag:

Schroedinger's cat is NOT dead.

O, wow, watch LJ eat my formatting...

Got almost nothing done today, only 20 pages of the 100 I wanted to have done. Wrote out a schedule. Promptly got behind. Today: Cardiovascular (20 questions, 62 pages) and GIT (17 questions, 77 pages) Sunday: Infectious Diseases (10 questions, 51 pages), Endocrinology (15 questions, 73 pages), Rheumatology (15 questions, 75 pages) Monday: Renal (13 questions, + 1 urology for kicks; 87 pages), Neurology (14 questions, 67 pages), Pulmonary (14 questions, 45 pages) Tuesday: Psychiatry (12 questions, no book section), OB-GYN (14 questions, no book section), posttest in the book. The anal retentive will note that, if I tell you there are 173 questions in the exam, I'm not studying for all of them. I'm skipping Dermatology (5 questions), Paediatrics (7 questions), and ENT (4 questions). Not worth the effort...Of course, I got half of Cardio done and quit tonight, so. Went to Suncoast today. Triple points day. Ordered Escaflowne box set, got all of Devil Hunter Yohko. Ooooops.

Impage.

Ayradyss's imp sucked. Whisper's imp sucked worse. So Vita's imp it is:

Vita's Battle Imp is

Asum

Backstabbing: 3 Dodgin': 7 Guts: 4 Magic Mojo: 7 Smackdown: 3

Will your battle imp beat Vita's? Enter your name and fight.

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...

Woke up at 11:20, after lying in bed half-asleep and dreaming for two hours. I should've been studying. Snapped at Angel for being a little sulky about having his brain picked so I could balance Quicken. Have to go apologise once he's off the phone. Brought all my records up to date on Quicken. Status: We have less credit-card debt and slightly more bills to pay than I thought, thanks to that mysterious car insurance bill I never remember about. Payday is, as usual, going to be aptly timed, but we can manage it. Mental note to fill out the direct-withdrawal forms for the mortgage and let Renee work her magic on direct-depositing. Eyeing the NMS medicine book with trepidation and fear. I suppose now is as good as any a time to start. After lunch. And in all the excitement of being unhappy last night, I forgot to mention: Cast is cut down to a short forearm cast. It's purple, Dr. H. is still hot and very encouraged by my X-rays (Alignment's perfect. Absolutely perfect), and I have the appointment to get the cast off.

Friday, 9 May. Ha-le-lu.

sum·ma·tion. Noun. 4: a final part of an argument reviewing points made and expressing conclusions.

Exam re-taking went well today, I suppose. Improved from my original scores on all but one exam by 10-20 points. I must be learning something. Highlight: 93% accuracy on the Semester 1 Final. How clear my mind seems now. How much of that was improved by my notes all over the exam? I'll never know. Progress, however, is good. Now to put away Pathology, and study Medicine until Wednesday. Roleplaying went well. Much opportunity for character development was seen, then lost as the conversation drifted away and we wrapped up before I got a chance to think about it. He isn't who I want him to be, and it's because I'm so used to having a chance to really interact. It seems like things have gotten more and more sparse, with nothing getting started until 9 or 10, then ending by 12 or 1. Nobody really seems to care. It was fun, nonetheless. I think...you know, that sums up how I'm feeling right now. Much opportunity for character development, and no time to develop the character. I see people in flashes, with other people, I talk to them online briefly - no expressions, no touch, no eye contact. Nothing that comes securely into the real (do I do anything real any more?)... No chance to talk. No time to talk. No long stretches of comfortable silence, no time spent just for company and companionship and to feel the soft tugging of the thing that ties us together, we two. No time for two, no time for time, for trouble, for thought...no time. No time, and no (it seems in the dark aftermidnight) desire to make a time. Just this hollow empty sociability, a shallow skin-deep high-school fulfillment that exhausts me and drags out the pained and broken child within.

I know 
      you,
the cold and calloused
         girl I was, 
                will be

who
    for you had been to me
            before the sad 
                    and silent sea

                            I knew
you
    were me
           I knew one day
                   I knew the dream
        would flee

                the girl I was
                            the girl I'll be

I see
       today 
             is not tomorrow, wait
                      for me
         you know
               I see
                    I was
                           I knew

you.
                          "vingt-quatre"

Goodnight, moon.

Quotes for 25 April...

• GM: Illithid coaster! Angel: Illithid poster? GM: Illithid poser. Me: Yo yo yo, you down wit' dat brain-suckin', yo? GM: Yo, brother, what up? Me: Talk to da tentacle, maaaan... Bri: Is it safe to come back?
• Angel: Could you please change over to Mozilla and scroll up three lines so I no longer see "theres nothing quite like the feeling of a 60 year old woman shoving her cold, gloved, ky-jellied-up fingers up your vagina trying to touch your cervix" when I look at your computer? Jefe: Anyone who seconds that motion, raise your hand... Hands go up around the room.
• Jefe: Why don't you perform surgery on her and take her clit?
• GM: He's really not a bad guy. Aside from being a vampire. Jefe: Everyone has problems.
• James: What kind of lock? GM: The kind that goes on books Bri: Oh, a book-lock.
• Angel (apparently randomly): I kill it. Really damn fast.
• Me: Well, if leaving a trail of shattered innocence in my wake is horrible, I might be guilty of that.
• Angel: Can I eat my ice cream now, or does it all have to go on my nose first? Me: Nose.
• Angel: I'd feel like I was walking around in a giant body condom. Me: Practise safe psionics!
• Me: I'd like you to go meet my mother, my sisters, and their entourage. Jefe: Your family is...Not dyslexic, um...dysfunctional.
• Angel: I just buffed myself. All my psionics buff myself. All my spells buff myself.... Me: She's spit-shiny!
• Jefe: If anyone cares, my performance check was 35... Me: Karaoke after the battle!
• GM: No, only one of the drow was a littly nancy. And he's the one who stabbed himself in the foot. (pantomimes, with lisp) I'm gonna shoot you...owww!
• Bri: Good. I killed something.
• Me (to James): Your platonic good looks will not affect me, daemon-boy.

Tiiiime is on my side....

Okay, from : Too many usernames to count... Chapter 22 finished. I'll need to go back over it; I hate musculoskeletal and need lots of practise. Next up: CNS. 17:50 - CNS finished. Also on the list of Parts of the Body I Hate. Another link (yay for for reminding me about it): The AOL Translator. And here's what it does to one of the greatest works of poetry ever: The Raven, the first few stanzas, apologies to Mr. Poe. ONCA UPON A MIDNIGHT DREARY WHIEL I PONDERED W3AK AND WEARY OVER MANY A QUANET AND CURIOUS VOLUMA OF FORGOTEN LOR3- WHIEL I NODAD NAARLY NAPNG SUD3NLY THEYRE CME A TAPNG AS OF SOME ON3 GANTLY RAPNG RAPNG AT MAH CHMBR DOR TIS!1!!1 OMG WTF LOL SOME VISI2R I MUT3RED TAPNG AT MAH CHMBR DOR- ONLY THIS AND NOTHNG MORE AH!1!11! WTF DISTINCTLY I REM3MBR IT WAS IN TEH BLEAK DEC3MBR AND EACH SAPARAET DYNG 3MBR WROUGHT ITS GHOST UPON TEH FLOR 3AEGRLY!1!1 OMG WTF LOL I WISHAD DA MOROW -VANELY I HAD SOUGHT 2 BOROW FROM MAH BOKS SURCEAES OF SOROW- SOROW FOR TEH LOST L3NORA- FOR DA R AND RADIANT MADEEN WHOM TEH ANGELS NME L3NORA- NM3L3S HARE FOR AVARMOR3 AND11!!!! WTF LOL TEH SILK3N SAD UNCERTANE RUSTLNG OF EACH PURPLA CURTANE THRILED MA-FIL3D M3 WIT FANTASTIC TERORS NEVAR FELT BFORE SO TAHT NOW 2 STIL DA BATNG OF MAH H3ART I S2D REPEATNG TIS SOMA VISI2R 3NTRAATNG 3NTRANCE AT MAH CHMBR DOR- SOMA LAET VISI2R ENTR3ATNG ANTRANC3 AT MAH CHMBR DOR - THIS IT IS AND NOTHNG MOR3 PRESANTLY!!11!! OMG WTF LOL MAH SU GR3W STRONGER H3SITATNG THAN NO LONGAR SIR SADE I OR MADM TRULY UR FORGIEVNES I IMPLOR3 BUT DA FACT IS I WAS NAPNG AND SO G3NTLY U CME RAPNG AND SO FANETLY U CME TAPNG TAPNG AT MAH CHMBR DOR TAHT I SCARCE WAS SURA I HAARD U - H3R3 I OPANAD WIED TEH DOR - DARKN3S THEIR AND NOTHNG MOR31!111!!! OMG WTF Part of me finds the name L3nora to be kind of cute. And part of me just fell off the chair laughing: "DARKN3S THEIR AND NOTHNG MOR31!111!!! OMG WTF" In some sick twisted way, it works. And with that, Angel and I are going shopping. I'll tell you why later.

World of Darkness Quiz:

Take the World of Darkness Quiz
by David J Rust

Vampire Score: 1 WereWolf Score: 3 Mage Score: 8 Wraith Score: -5 Changeling Score: 16

Does this surprise anyone at all?

I promise, one day soon, I'll post something with substance...

...but these are my days right now. A maze of words and quizzes. Pseudohypoparathyroidism: an autosomal recessive disorder, cararcterised be renal end-organ unresponsiveness of the kidney to PTH and by shortened fourth and fifth metacarpals and metatarsals, short stature, and other skeletal abnormalities. Similar skeletal abnormalities, without parathyroid hormone dysfunction, characterise a rare entity termed pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism. Dear God. Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism? NMS Medicine book is here. It's fucking huge. 696 pages to learn. But I have the question breakdown for the 173-question final, so I'll take that into account (20 questions on Cardiology, 1 on urology means why worry about urology?). Also just-arrived: Cane Toads: An Unnatural History. Yay, my very own copy. Must inflict on Ayoyo at earliest convenience. Chapter count: 20. Three completed this morning, despite my distraction. Four chapters to do this afternoon, including skin, CNS, musculoskeletal, and the it-bit (yay for Jeff-isms!) one on medical statistics. I'm on target. I'm also starving. Time for lunch.

The best-laid plans of mice and men...

I was having trouble getting motivated to study already. And then, midway through the unit review exam for Male Genital Tract (1 of 7 for today), the phone rings. Lowene: I have big news for you. The Pathology final isn't on Monday. It's next Friday, May 2nd. The Medicine final is May 5th. While having more time to study for Path would be nice...how am I going to handle Medicine too? This is not what I wanted. Schedule revision: Finish Pathology review book today (Thursday), take posttest. Friday: Review at school, old exams and make photocopies of more questions to do. Saturday (if the NMS Medicine book gets here today like UPS Ground says it will): Begin review of NMS Medicine. Sunday through Tuesday: Review NMS Medicine. Tuesday is posttest day. Wednesday and Thursday: Pathology review of major points, retake all exams. Friday: Pathology exam all morning. Review NMS Medicine in afternoon. Get drunk and roleplay in evening. Saturday and Sunday: Review NMS Medicine again, retake quizzes. Monday: Statewide Medicine final all morning. Take afternoon and evening off. Who wants to do something on Monday night, May 5th? Lily-my-love?

I almost had to save this one...

Today in my Hotmail box that I use to collect spam (Note: the name Rose Winter DeHaven should sound familiar to a few of you), the following:

To: rose_dehaven@hotmail.com From: "Get a Foreign Wife" Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 06:13:54 -0700 Subject: Help Girls Get To America Text (sic): (A large headshot of a pretty brunette and several other snaps) Where can you meet a...Faithful lover, a Lifetime companion & a Best friend? You can choose from thousands of women at www.getawife.net. Browse their pictures and read about their personalities. Pic the one that's right for you. Real women for real men. Over 20,000 women, hand selected for you. Search our extensive database! Don't settle for anything less! We were the first Romance Tour Company on the Internet and remain the largest and most established, with over 20 years of combined experience in International Romance tours.

I am deeply disturbed. I thought mail-ordering brides went out in the 1800's. For $3,000-$6,500 you, yes you, can spend 11 days meeting 500 to 2,000 women. If you sleep, go to the bathroom, and do other vital things for 6 hours a day, that gives you 23 minutes per woman at the 500 level; 6 minutes at the 2,000. This is the basis of a lasting relationship...or at least a fiancee green card, I suppose. Besides, who knew I quualified as a Real Man?

Eee!

Today's Link of the Moment: Lords of the Rhymes (warning: Tolkien-themed gangsta rap; explicit lyrics and all that). I am so amused. 19:00 - Angel is home, mowing the lawn. Chapter 10 is done, but I missed 4 out of 23 on the review.. Not as good as I had been doing. Partly distracted by need to raise study-hammock 18 inches (my butt drags the ground). Partly just tired. I should try to get chapter 11 done. Anaemias, yay. 19:49 - Chapter 11 done. All correct but one on the quiz - I know anaemias, we just had them in Medicine. Now if I could only remember that Pernicious Anaemia is a disease, not a generalised B12 deficiency (that makes three times I've missed a question on that)... Tonight is Shan's graduation day. I can't afford to put time into Ansible over the next month of studying, so I'm graduating her. Coming back with a fresh new character (any ideas for a new recruit of Battle School, preferably male, would be appreciated. I'm stuck) in May. Everyone else is sniffing and "oh it's so sad" about it. At the moment...I'm kind of indifferent. I'm going to miss the character; it's fun to play a 12-year-old budding lesbian in Battle School, but she's not the only interesting and/or controversial character I have. I'm not going to cry, most likely. Not that attached to her or Ansible. Everyone who's going to want to see it, I'll log.

Status quo.

15:07 - finished chapter 8. Wandered around for 20 minutes or so, wondering how long the fucking dishwasher takes to do two pots, a plate, three glasses and five spoons. Started chapter 9. 15:50 - interrupted studying to answer my phone. Missed it. Waited for voice mail to come through after calling Mom and getting beeped at. Talked about cervical cancer. I love my mom's stories. Grandma took DES when she was pregnant with Mom. That puts her at increased risk for clear cell adenocarcinoma of the vagina. Mom says they told her she had some dysplasia, maybe she should get it looked at again? Maybe. Can't recall if the pap smear picks up adenocarcinoma too. Pathology in action. 16:09 - Back to chapter 9: The vascular system. 16:14 - Dishwasher is done. Move study materials downstairs to make lunch. Washed pot by propping it against my stomach and sloshing a rag in it. It's clean starchy residue, and I'm going to boil water in it anyway. Right? Went on a hunt for anthills. Windex does kill the little bastards. Sprayed everything that looked like it was thinking about being an anthill. Ate. Mmmmm. 17:24 - Finally finished chapter 9. Angel just left for home. Let's go for one or two more chapters today. Next up: the heart.

No, if I only had one arm, I'd go around in circles all day.

Hungry. In the fridge: leftover spaghetti sauce (no noodles), leftover heavy-on-the-cayenne taco meat and tortillas but no lettuce, leftover not-all-that-good pot roast that gave me bowel problems for days, leftover garlic bread. In the pantry: lots of pasta, rice-a-roni, rice for the rice-maker, canned veggies, year-old canned soup nobody will eat. I can't go to the store. I only have one functioning arm. My car is a stick-shift. There are two pans in the house that I can use with one arm. One is tiny. One is dirty. Running the dishwasher. Fuck the water bill for running it mostly empty, I'm hungry, and a PBJ just doesn't sound apppealing. Maybe I'll melt some cheese into pasta. Yum. Or maybe I'll make quesad-- No, I can't use the skillet. Damn. Also gave in and turned the heat back on when the air in the house hit 59 in the warm part. Cranked it up to a sizzling 65. I can feel my toes again. 14:27. Going to go eat empty-calorie junk food and study nutritional disorders. Chapter 8, here I come. Today, I feel prolific and unproductive.

Once in a while....

This random LJ-browsing pays off: UN and US: a torrid love affair. There are a few more (okay, quite a few more) on the page, mixed in with his commute diary. I think I've made a friend to add. I can handle listless tedium of everyday life (after all, what do I post about?), if it's intermingled with wit. Plus, I agree with him. Always adds humour. NMS Medicine review book should be here by Monday, so I can cram for that exam. Yay. Woo. Count: Completed chapters 5, 6, and 7 of BRS Pathology this morning. Today's goal: Chapter 12. It is now 14:00. I have five chapters and 6 hours. I think I need food.

Kyrie eleison...

From CNN's Heroes of War:

Volunteer doctors risk bombs to aid Iraq's wounded By Jeordan Legon, CNN

(CNN) -- With bombs falling around them, Doctors Without Borders refused to leave Iraq -- continuing to work in a Baghdad hospital treating the torrent of sick and wounded despite the dangers of war. It wasn't long before two members of the Medecins Sans Frontieres -- as the group is known internationally -- were carted away to the regime's most notorious prisons by the Iraqi secret police, accused of being spies. "The way that they presented it, [it is] as if they don't believe humanitarian work at all," said Ibrahim Younis, 31, an aid worker taken from his hotel April 2 along with Francois Calas, 44, head of the doctors' Baghdad mission. Calas and Younis were held in a vast jail and two crowded prisons before being freed April 11. The two men and four volunteer doctors who worked at al Kindi hospital in northeast Baghdad resumed their healing work a short time later. "I'm still here and I'm ready to go on working," Calas told CNN from Baghdad. "We see today more and more needs emerging and ... we're still here and we are ready to do our humanitarian work." Founded in 1971, Doctors Without Borders dispatches 2,500 medical professionals around the world each year to aid victims of armed conflict, natural disasters and epidemics. Its volunteers have been kidnapped in Chechnya, died in Honduras and worked with victims of Rwanda's civil war. Although it received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1999, the group shies away from the media spotlight. "This group plunges its doctors and nurses into some of the most dire physical danger in the world," wrote the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in an editorial after the doctors won the Nobel Prize. "With humane hearts and a will to make a difference, the organization has sometimes wrought miracles."

If some day, just once in my life, I can do something half this meaningful with half this much courage... And I know it scares you to death, Mom, but I want so badly to be there doing what they're doing. Even if it means prison. And suspicion and torture and everything else that goes along with it. If I die, I'll die making something, insead of tearing something down, as the song goes.

Quizcut...

Toreador-- Of all clans, Toreador are the vampires most connected to the mortal world. While other vampires view the kine as pawns or simple sustenance, Toreador glide gracefully and effortlessly through the society of the Canaille, sampling the delights of each age as a gourmand savors rare delicacies.

Vampires want you... which ones hunt you?
brought to you by Quizilla

No freakin' way....

From the listserv:

Volunteers Needed for a Research Study to Image the Brain's Response to Alcohol and Alcohol Cues The brain's response to seeing, smelling, or tasting alcohol an alcoholic drink may be important in determining a person's desire to drink. We are using Positron Emission Tomography (PET) to examine a brain chemical called dopamine in response to alcohol related pictures and odors, and to alcohol intoxication itself. The study requires:

• An examination of your sense of smell, drinking history, and family history of alcoholism (~1.5 hours).
• Three different PET scanning sessions of brain activity on two different days.
• Alcohol Intoxication on one or both days using intravenously administered alcohol.

These steps will be conducted on 3 different days at your convenience. You will receive $225.00 for completing the study. If you are interested and:

• Between the ages of 21 and 35, and physically healthy.
• Have a family history of alcohol problems or alcoholism.
• Drink alcohol.
• Have no active allergies or colds that interfere with your sense of smell.

Call the General Clinical Research Center (GCRC) at [number]

...the things people get money to research...

LJ-whorage...

Every now and then I scan through the list of people I've given create codes to (Permanent account = 5 codes a month, I have lots) and read their journals. Today's soundbite is lifted from , whom I assume I gave a code to via nessers, from the entries.

I really don't know what I think about this idea of war, of the possibility that it won't be as short as people think, that perhaps President Bush really is a monkey. I'm still riding the fence on this issue.

I like the monkey line. Three units down. 9 to go today. I don't think I'll make it, but I got nothing done all morning - not until 2, even. So I'm okay.

There are no sidewalks on Stellhorn...

I walked home from school. It took 20 minutes, this time. It is cool out, today; cool and cloudy and windy. The weatherman says a 30% chance of rain. From the look of the sky, overcast in rolling greys, it is coming. It will come. There is a conjugation of rain in the air, and I am swept into it, bangs practising sticking to my face (will they ever be long enough to behave?) and dancing on the breeze. My vision, through featherweight lenses still not at home on my nose, its snub seeming ready to catch them, seems to swim and tunnel, perspective folding and curling at thee edges of sight. One dandelion, two, a hundred, a thousand. A bird calling to the baseball team and the man mining sand, as bad country music ebbs and swells with the currents of air. Keee, kikikiki; keee, kiki, ki. Punctuation or exclamation, warning and summons and o, the wind makes thought fly. There are no sidewalks, just the cushion of grass between the unforgiving road and the chainlink fence overgrown with vines, a carpeting of green and yellow. One dandelion, two, a hundred. Stone markers with cryptic inscriptions, trash tattered and cleansed by the wind, trees and trees that bloom in white. The flowers are sweet and transfiguring; I bury my face in the evergreens to remind me of the sting and slide of winter, guard against springtime's draught. I am overcome by the wind, I fly and fly, heedless of bags and broken arms, to land finally (there are violets to mark the place, a symphony of hidden richness) in the touch of the civilised world, feet marking pavement for the quarter-mile that funnels me home. There are no sidewalks, only beauty and refreshment. I think I can carry on.

Not so bad...

Geriatrics (2 points): 73% Infectious diseases (4 points): 83% Haematology/Oncology (20 points): 76% We've found at least 6 errors in heme-onc already. Scores will be grossly adjusted once Lowene gets the distributions back. Anticipate a very nice jump in my grades once that is done. Off to the lab to hunt down review books for the copying.

Quizcut plus today's examness.

Snuffy's Suicide Attempts Poor baby, life is rough for you, huh? No one seems to see you, no one notices your pain--except for your friend Big Bird, but he's always off hanging out with his other friends. You
wish you were him, all happy and curious and
popular and bright yellow. You feel like his shadow anymore, like the only reason you exist is to amuse him. It's hard being somebody's imaginary friend. But stop trying to kill yourself--imaginary people can't kill themselves. Sorry. And hey, maybe tomorrow you'll feel better! Someday people will see you, I promise.

Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla Exams went quickly, this morning. Hopefully well. Considering my lack of studying...I remembered quite a bit. Didn't hurt to have gone over the practise questions from the last lecture; suddenly about 10 of the questions in heme-onc looked awful damn familiar. Today, I'll go over to the library and look for question books to use to review. Then I'll go home, if I can find a ride, or I'll linger here and study until Angel can pick me up. Off to see if Lowene has magic words for me. And lunch.

I hate ants.

I can't stand the little black monsters inside, ever since my mother's house was invaded by them. I was unpacking boxes of junk from when I'd cleaned my room at age 5-10, and found the rem,ains of candy wrappers. Everywhere, they were bored through and filled with teeming masses of tiny black ants. And to top it off, we had carpenter ants too. And then...then...they stasrted taking over my room. I would wake up to see columns of ants on my headboard. They ate the varnisah off my dowel rod. But the last straw was when one bit me. And I swiped at it, and its little head stayed on my leg while its little body went flying off. Tiny jaws, gnawing on me even in death. They scare me. I hate them in my house. Outdoors, they're peaceable enough, even in sticky hordes around a mnelting ice-cream cone. But indoors... I have been known to scream and stand on chairs at the sight of an ant in a room. And now the little monsters are invading the new house. At the edges of the kitchen, there are two small hills of grit. We sweep them away, and they come back. There are ants teeming in the corner of the bathroom, most of them dead. There are two anthills in the garage by the furnace. We call them "oddly-shaped black beetles" so as not to alarm. I feel a need to get the organic (soap and mint oil) pesticides from my dad and soak the whole house in them. I'm beginning to get paranoid. , , please don't laugh. I think they really are evil ants... I can feel them inside my cast.

It's sunny out.

I got homt at 5 yesterday and took the Benadryl I'd been needing since 8 AM. 77% on the lab exam. 72% on the lecture. Not good, but passable. Tonight I think I'll look up articles and write my autopsy report, shoot for a high score on that to complement my very good attendance (Iwona: You skipped a class? No, you didn't. You're hard-core...). Those two combined are 10% of my grade; basically another exam. A 90% there would cancel uot my 60 from earlier and allow me to go into the final with better-than-before chances of passing. I went to bed last night at 5:30, woke up when Angel brought me down for lasagna and homemade appple pie, then passed on RP (I'm so sorry, Phloxin) to sleep until 8:30 this morning. I'm starting to feel better. Youth are coming at 1. Things to Do.

One potato, two potato....

Round one of the board review flash cards: encouraging. A second round is forthcoming, followed by more stduying of liver and brain cancers, as well as going through my cards. Angel is helping. I love it when he helps. Especially when he can't pronounce anything. Dear God, please let this be an easy exam. And on another note: I love you all for putting up with me. And I'll take that deal, Dr. Shevlin. I love you too. It really does help.

I want my life back.

Jefe wrote something beautiful for my Lily. I didn't even remember it was her birthday. And I can't read it without crying. My tears have made a tiny speckled pattern on the inside of my glasses. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, I know. My Angel is as good as it gets, anyone who knows him would agree. Better even than Jefe, obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this. And I don't want much, just the two years of my life where I've neglected my friends and abused my soulmate in the name of becoming something better...I want them back. I don't want to be a doctor any more. Not when it's this bad. I've never wanted anything bad enough to put up with this. I just... And I'm wasting time in self-pity, time I desperately need to spend studying. Because I can't afford to quit...

I want my arm back.

Exan, I think, went wellish. Came home (Angel sent me the long way, both of us forgetting just how much State developmental centre I had to skirt, so it took an hour). Not so bad - but for this freakin' ton o' backpack I was toting on one shoulder. Slept in the sun. Slept in bed. Studied a little while Angel fenced. Dinner at Cebollas. Going to go up and cuddle, maybe load my brief entry from today on Taika. Not feeling like much today. Empty and drained. Note: LJ-status page notes trouble loading pages. I can sympathise; today our service has sucked from Comcast, and I don't think it's a choked router, for once. Notably, firewall logs show a flood of dropped Code Red pings. All from Comcast addresses. FTP tests confirm:

I:\>ftp X.X.X.X Connected to X.X.X.X. 220 Machine Microsoft FTP Service (Version 5.0). User (X.X.X.X:(none)): administrator 331 Password required for administrator. Password: 230 User administrator logged in.

Fortunately, user administrator couldn't see anything, and the user with the same name as the machine had a password. But they were all running IIS - some giving a 403.9 (Too many requests) for web, all of 'em with FTP open. I wonder if the owners know... House has oddly-shaped black beetles. Must buy traps for them. Must have Angel mount hammock. Surgery on Thursday - learning to cut and suture. Too goddamned bad you need two hands to do it properly. Same with Clinical Skills on Friday. I've only been looking forward to them for 18 months or so.

For your entertainment:

Today in Pathology, Smith wore his Order of the Xanthomas shirt and did a small theatrical production about ACTH and adenomas. "Help me! I need ACTH! I'm atrophying!" I think you might have had to be there, on reflection. But it was great.

Thoughtscraps....

Her kiss is lingering still. Not the one everyone saw, the one that might have come out of a movie shoot in some leopardskinned-sofa seedy backlot. Not that one. I could take a thousand of those and not complain, give back all day for the show, for posterity. For the fifty-dollar bet that's now burning a hole in the cotton of my bra, I'd do it again, and forget it again. No, the kiss that's burned onto my lips is the one that came between "Goodnight" and "I'll see you tomorrow," in a trailer-trash lot on the end of town where we white kids with no futures come to bury our lives. It's the one she left me when nobody was looking, in the dark dirt roads between our white steel cages, somewhere after the arc-sodium streetlights cut out. It's there, sweet and short and I can still feel the touch of her lips against mine as I face the trinity of concrete stairs that form my chipped ascent into hell. And I know tonight's going to be the same, sure as counting the empties on our gravel lawn, sure as hearing the radio at war with the ten-inch TV, country twang and preacher stare, sure as the shadow blocking out a beating in the yellow rectangle of light. I'm late coming home, and I don't have a good excuse. School was out a half-dozen hours ago, and if my homework's done, he can't read it to know. It's the same as every night. Only tonight, I've got fifty dollars hidden where he won't see it, and I've got a kiss to keep me going, something he can't beat out of me or knock off my lips. And I'll see her tomorrow, and I'll see her again, and one of these days things will change. You just wait.

Bah.

I scored 44½% on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!

Take the test here!

Stupid quizzes :P

LJ-whoredom...

Jefe once said to me that he didn't want to become a browsing place for finding reading material, and that was why he never listed friends. Today, I discovered the real place to whore out you LJ-soul: Communities to post a little bio and beg people to add you to their friends list. and , to be precise. And a more disturbing cross-section of bad grammar, AOL abbreviations, and "I love to make new friends, add me and I'll add you back - but my entries are Friends-only, so you can't see them unless you add me" I have rarely seen. *twitches* While I'm linking: This auction is over, but it is disturbing still... "Everything we own is for sale..."

Hallelu.

Doctor says the X-rays look great. 10 days in the long cast, then 3 weeks in a short. Appointment in 2 weeks to cutthe cast down to short. I'll be taking finals in a short cast, and Boards...well, even if he means to keep me the full 3 weeks in the short cast, I'll have it off by mid-May, so Boards will be cast-free. I have a note for Curves: light duty and one-handed work for three weeks yet, at least. Nap, then study and attempting to take a shower by myself, etc. Dinnerdance tonight...where is that godsdamned ticket?

Quizzes...

Everyone else is posting their quiz results from the "what's your rank on the miultidimensional scale of sexuality" quiz. I took it. First time: Gay. Changed two answers: Straight. Changed one back: Mostly Gay. Poor confused quizlet...

Good news and okay news...

Class got out 20 minutes early today. Good thing. He was so incredibly boring I didn't hear a word he said. Not-so-good thing. Got just over 2 pages handwritten for Psyche's journal. Good thing. I have probably another 5 or 6 to go, and how am I going to get them typed? Not-so-good thing. Medicine cancelled tomorrow. Good thing. Have to go get placement X-rays again. This is ambiguous, as he likely won't be yanking on my arm again (good), he's exceedingly hot (good), but I'm deathly afraid that my arm has moved and will require surgery (bad). Also dreading combination of beautiful dress and cast/sling tomorrow night, must hope for miraculous healing. Three extra-strength Tylenol have dampened ache in arm to near silence. Good thing, for all but my liver. James will pick me up from Lutheran, and Nick is taking me there. Good thing. Path lab exam Monday. Exceedingly bad thing. Over only three sections. Improving factor. Damn this broken arm.

Not a copycat!!!

Pink: You see the world in bright pink. The world is a happy, happy place! You love all people and things!! Life is great! You're just like a happy child. Spread the cheer.
*this quiz was made by Sara

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla So does Angel. Godsdamn, but my arm hurts tonight...

Randomness.

Take the "Which FARK Cliche Are You" quiz! My Star Wars Villain Name is Darth Pixels. As a dirtbag Catholic priest: Father Will Gofree My Megalomaniac World Conqueror Name is: Nykki the Well-Scrubbed & Immaculate And my favourite name ever for an undercover operation: Operation Wimpering Hooker

Eee....

D: $29 a month? What do you (the company Angel works for) provide that AOL doesn't? Angel: A product that works?

Okay, crisis averted...

*deepbreaths* Misread the Family Practise schedule. I can do my FP in FW. And if they should happen to screw me out of a blue-chip for FW, I can second-choice South Bend and beg a room from Strayling, hopefully. But I'm begging for the Fort Wayne site... Ambulatory medicine off-site is available as a choice. Now I just have to make that call. My head hurts. I feel like shit. I want my Angel.

Fuck...

Somehow I managed to get a rotation preference that was practically my last choice... I thought it was bad enough that I had Family Medicine in the first month of my clinicals. Then I looked at the schedule. Fort Wayne doesn't even offer Family Medicine in the first month. Did I fuck up the schedule, or was I on my very last choice? And what can I do about it? I need these months in Fort Wayne with my Angel. I'm already short on them. There must be something I can do. Nothing's set in stone, after all. Don't cry, kitten. It will work out. Somehow.

*faints*

Dinner catered for us by a very nice doc and his wife. Angel can go fencing without me, and we don't have to work out dinner. E-mail from Indy: our selection packets will be here this week. I can start trying to work out my time in Fort Wayne... Jim's taking me home. Rachel's taking me shopping tomorrow. I think if I can get some energy together I can do this. He says to know what's in the notes for CNS...suppose I'll try handwriting them. I got a new clipboard to write on, yay! Today is going almost frighteningly well.

More good news:

Pathology lab exam: 88%. Yay.

Stream of consciousness: morning

... As far as this weekend past went (the one l was going to write about and then broke my arm), it was a lot of fun. Much to my surprise, I think most everyone got along well. Beo and Stray were as cute as anyone could be, and Quin and Zia were obviously glad to get out of their respective holes. And it was so great to see Mike and Erica again. A real pain that the Sunday and Monday I'd wanted to take for Mike were wasted on four hours in the Parkview ER and the subsequent pain and suffering. As far as the Fort Wayne people go... You all rock. James, D, Phloxy...You've given up your free time (D: I have nothing better to do) and driven the hour round-trip across town over and over again to take boxes for us. D and LilyJefe, it's been great to just have someone to help fill the empty space. This has been a better week because of it. Morality talks and all. Still have to move 1/3 of our stuff, the boxes in Paul's room and the basement. Plus my dollhouse. I hate to ask for more... Been playing Final Fantasy with the DDR pad as a controller. Works pretty well. I find this disturbing. All I'm missing are the L and R triggers. Thanks to HP for that idea... Mage, despite my inability to type with more than one hand, went well. Got to slap Typheous, too. He deserved it :) I'm so behind on Psyche's journals...was going to catch them up. Maybe l'll handwrite them in my spare time - because I'm going to have so much in the next month. Stupid broken armness. Good news: Got my cert for half-price Epocrates and there are a half-dozen kids who'll cost-share on the references. Now I need to decide what to buy en masse. Good news - The changes to exam scores came down from above. Some big changes.

• Nephrology: 78 to 84.
• Orthopaedics: 75 to 88.
• Endocrinology: 68 to 8O.
• Dermatology: 78 to 89.

Current average in Medicine is once again a High Pass. Yay for grade alterations. Good news: hour 1 of Medicine today was a quick and dirty review of what we need to survive in 3rd year. Yay for Dr. S, who gave us a handout and said ''What I plan to test you on is in the handout, mostly italicised. " So he's spending his Allotted Time on useful stuff: pictures, show and tell. And how to survive 3rd year. So today hasn't been as painful as I feared. Supposed to get a copy of the Sanford Guide. Wish I knew a drug rep to suck up to. I'm so cheap. Today's been a good-ish day, so far, except for this stupid arm and the fact that the freshman have triple jumps in the lounge (will they warn us, next time?) so we have no access to the computers. Ick. Arm is beginning to ache, though I've done nothing with it. Already took two Tylenol. I hate this.

So much easier to do this on Taika...

He pages: what do you mean, exams went ill? I mean, O Best Beloved, that my grades in endocrinology and dermatology were a less-than-thrilling 68 and 78, respectively. l think we had rheumatology, too, which was a 69. And the really horrid thing is the total lack of interest I had in my actual scores. I'm back in school, back to wondering if I'm learning anything from Cza ja's lectures, back to the Russian Roulette of Medicine professors, back to panic and resignation, to being nothing more than mediocre. Maybe next year I'll shine, O Best Beloved. Maybe next year I'll shake off the looming suspicion that I should have just gone into something simple. I'm so discouraged. I want this grind to be over, over, over. Today: path lab in the afternoon. I hate path lab. Today, though, it's Drs Wagner and McBride - so it may be short as heck. I hope so. I don't need to be dragged any further down.

All that, and no exam update...

Last Friday, O Best Beloved, was a day of little frustrations. The closing agent was a bitch. There's one document that still has the old form of "sworn to" on it. It's a little thing, a silly thing, maybe, but I grew up in a church that adhered to the idea of Matthew 5:33-37:

Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, 'You shall not make false vows, but shall fulfill your vows to the Lord.' But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is the footstool of his feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great king. Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your statement be, 'yes, yes' or 'no, no'; anything beyond these is of evil.

It's a thing that I've sometimes fallen short of achieving, to be known as someone whose yes meant yes, no further confirmation needed, but I try. And I have a legal right to strike the "swear to" from any legal document I choose and replace it with "affirm", but she wouldn't hear of it. So I finally gave up and signed the freakin' paper. Also, exams went ill.

No more codeine...

Angel comes home, asks a simple question. I'm in hysterics over it. Tylenol 3 plays merry hell with my emotions. No more for me.

Meep.

Refrigerator is here. They were right on freakin' time. I like it muchly. Used the sensor reheat on the new microwave today. I just hit the button. And a little while later it beeped, "Let stand covered." I took the food out thern. Nice and warm...not overdone. Is there a point at which one's appliances are too smart for one's own good?

Ever wonder..if one fell into a sewer of moral relativism, how would one know?

<i>I loved you yesterday...</i>

David: James is near. I can always tell, because my butt tingles. I'm tired, world. Tired of being an invalid, of being invalid, of having to have someone else drive, carry boxes, and do all the work I want to do. I'm tired of having to stretch my arm to the point of pain - the point I know I should be avoiding if I want to heal - to fasten my own pants. I'm tired, O Best Beloved, of typing with one hand and the other being useless to me. I'm tired of looking around and seing a bunch of things that need to be done and being unable ti do any of them. I'm tired of the constant pain. More tired of the silence and the aloneness that is most of the day, since nobody gets up before noon. Tired of the strangenes that has overwhelmed me. Where has the world gone, in shadow and silver? Talked morality with D this morning. Got to thinking how far I've strayed from what I want, how easy it is to not care, how easy to just slide along. This week isn't much of a break, O Best Beloved. Not much of a break from my thoughts. Being so handicapped...I hate feling useless.

Just bloody fantastic.

Went to ortho this morning. No surgery. And the doc is hot... But he had them recast my arm up past the elbow. So I can move my fingers now (despite the pain) but I can't use the buggerin' arm. He says he'll have me fixed by 9 June. Mistwalker.org DNS is changed to reflect the new IP, but is apparently still propagating. Buggering Comcast. Pain now. More talk later.