Through a glass darkly

Funny how things change: with a light-switch suddenness, a cosmic flick of the wrist, you can go from active to passive, from yes to why in a continuum of seconds; no reason, no pause for thought. Funny how the world can sidestep. a jog and shift of minuscule proportions that leaves you standing in the slipstream of its passing, no longer carried along; and how, without warning, everything changes. That's not the way it should be, to be so abruptly ripped from the warm embrace of acquiescence and settled into a spot that is somewhere in the umbral regions of observing; you find yourself looking at previously comfortable images through an untwisted glass of unready, unforgiving emotion and finding them more than merely discomfiting. If you are to be changed, altered against your will by some ineffable force, it should be either a gentle shaping - something subtle and indefinable, unnoticed by the vessel taking form on the wheel - or a stomach-wrenching jolt of reconstruction that can be mistaken for nothing else; it should not pass and linger, subtle and yet so perfectly set that one can point to a moment in gone-by time and say without hesitation: There. There is where my passage was disembarked, through no will of my own. A strange thing, a little thing, a flick and flutter and you know that nothing has changed and nothing will change; you will continue on the way you have always gone. Your life will be as full of missteps and errors as it has always been, a clumsy bull's rush toward an ill-defined target, too caught up in your own momentum to stop even if you had desired it; and you will feel no slackening of the emotions that propel you as they have always done. And yet, somehow you have changed; you have let something pass you by, without regret or grief or even the desire to mourn its passing; you have looked beyond the smoked-glass mirrors in its wake and claimed the images you see as your own; you can say without hesitation or pause: it will not happen again.

Open season on interpretations: "Querida"

"When I get to level 7 I can actually summon a humanoid whore, as opposed to a gelatinous cube whore." "It'll dissolve your winkie." "Jeff? For the love of God, let it eat Michael Flatley." You must understand, we're now running a final encounter for Jefe, who's Miraged the entire cast of Riverdance as a distraction...

One streetlight dies,
            the night is silent,
      a question asked,
                      another's day
   What dreams dissolve
                  in midnight shadows
and wrap the world
             in winter white?

And broken dreams,
         a streetlight's answer
                    the only hope
    I ever see
              The shadows cry,
Can no-one mend them?
          And falling stars
                     can't help but die

A streetlight dies
      to wake the morning
                 the shadows grow 
          and fade away
                        the winter calls,
the winter, crying,
              the questions lift
   the questions stay.
              08-March-03
                       "querida"

"You do realise you <i>match</i> the chair..."

• Jeff: I'm going to cast Magic Mouth sometime in this campaign. GM: You can make her boobs talk. "Suck me! Suck me!"
• Angel: Can I have Stitch as an Animal Companion?
• GM (to David): I know where you're going to come from. David: Your ass? GM: Your own ass.
• (A visual joke) Angel: I take my naginata and use it to commit seppuku.
• Me: I spar with the bitch. GM: Which bitch?
• GM: Crikey! Plot whore, plot whore!
• GM: She was a very powerful seer... Me: Too bad she couldn't see anything clearer.
• David: If you are not careful, I'll start summoning dire weasels. Lots and lots of dire weasels.
• GM: You can choose down, yes. Angel: I choose you, Pika...oh, wait.
• Bri: They were nice gems. They were very polite when you said 'hi' to them.
• Me: I go sell the two +1 masterwork kamas... Angel: And I hawk the semicolon +3. David: What's the critical with a comma? Jefe: You have to splice with it.
• Me: Oh, I forgot. We also had 3,901 in gems. GM: What? Me: Can I just round it up to 4,000? I don't want to do math. GM: Uhm, sure.
• Me: Okay, now we have more gold. Plus, I'm not carrying around one bejewelled glove, a flaming rapier, and dwarven chain. Angel: Yeth.
• GM: "Elven armours 'R Us." Bri: Is there a special 'sun elf' section of it? Me: Yes. It's called "Rivets".
• Angel: Actually, dragon armour isn't all that cool any more. GM: Mine is. It's dragon fuckin' armour.
• Me: Party treasure is 16,000 gold. Can we all outfit for that? GM: I'm not worried about that. Jefe: It's like a credit card!
• Angel: ...it makes me fuzzy. Me: Eww, shave. Angel: Wrong fuzzy.
• Me: Tell me how much they charge us total at the end. GM: Okay... Me: And then I'll go beat them up and steal it back. GM (laughing): Okay.
• GM: You can get them to lower the price significantly. Me: Yes, because I'm big and black and looming, and I added points to Intimidate. Angel: And you have big swords.
• Me: I look for something pretty and female. GM: You find a museum. Me: Pretty and female? GM: No, but if you go look at the tourist attractions, you find a museum. Jefe: I think it's a hint.
• David: So, is it normal giving you the finger (gestures) and drow giving you the finger (gestures with both hands)? GM: No, when drow give you the finger, it extends.
• Jefe: If there is Weird Shit, TM, I'll take note of it.
• Me: I'm wearing a ring of Mind Shielding. Not that it matters. GM: That's why I gave it to you. Me: Not hard to tell what he's thinking. Angel: "I'm pissed off." Bri: No, no, two modes: "I'm going to kill you." and "I am killing you."
• GM: You see three drow, one with wings, and two elves walk into the...bar. You work here. Bri: Tavern wench! GM: No, it's a museum.
• Angel: We see glowy balls of light? GM: You see a glowy ball of blackness.... Me (note that my character's colour scheme is exclusively black and silver): I want, I want, I want!
• David: There's a sign that says "Please do not steal from the museum." GM: He wrote it. Me: It's spelt wrong? David: No, it's in every language known.
• David (playing a celestial with 'light' at will): Welcome to the museum. Can I help you find anything? Me: Something not so shiny. David: Nope, sorry, everything's wonderful and shiny here in the museum of shiny-shinyness.
• Jefe: How big is the museum? David: It's huge.
• GM: Bard-boy, there's a library here... Jefe: Oooh. GM: It's huge. Jefe (timidly): Does it have a card catalogue?
• GM: It says "Deck of many things. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?" Angel: Just like that.
• Bri (looking at me): Does he count as misfortune?
• David: Death is an undead? That sucks.
• Me: I hit AC 22, 21, and 17... GM: Okay, roll damage. Me (rolling dice): Uhm...44 points of damage. GM: Right. Death hits you and does 2d8. For...16.
• GM: At least it maxed. Death had a little dignity before it...re-died.
• David: One of your friends turns against you. No, I think I'll avoid that one.
• David: Can I have my archon draw cards? GM: No. It has no hands.
• GM: They're cursed. They eat your flesh. Me: Oooh, Ebola bracers!
• Me: I now have +18 to Diplomacy...if I ever choose to exercise it.
• David: What happens when something that's 'Colossal' has Enlarge cast on it? GM: It gets a huge boner?
• David: Now, if I only had those 5,000 dire weasels running around, I could make really huge dire weasels...
• Bri: I need another feat. Angel: Aren't two enough? Why do you need three?
• David: What are 'shambling mounds'? Angel: Piles of shit. GM: That shamble.
• David: I want a Defending, flaming, frosting, shocking, ghost touch, keen, mighty cleaving, spell-storing, throwing, baneful, disrupting, flaming bursting, icy bursting, shocking bursting, thundering, wounding, holy, unholy, lawful, chaotic, brilliant energy, dancing, speedy, vorpal greatsword +5. Two of them. GM: Fine, but they're magnetic and they stick to your head. Angel: Plus 'monkey grip' so can you wield them both. They're size L. David: I'll just cast enlarge on myself. Angel: That only works on part of you. David: I'll have it wield one, then. Angel: Then you'll have to cast Prehensile penis, too.
• GM: Oh, that's right, I have an encounter running. Slow-ass.
• James: What can I pull out of that bag...? David (excitedly): Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! (etc.)
• David: I'm disappointed. With a name like "Doom" I expected a spell to be... Me: More doomful?
• (Visual joke) GM: Well, since you're flying, it can't do much but jump at you and go (making cat-arm-flapping gestures) Rahr, rahr, rahr!
• James (rolling): Spiked chains suck! GM: That's why I gave you one with abilities. Angel: So it sucks a little less?
• James: Fuck this! (points at GM, acting as intelligent spiked chain) You, zap it!
• David: I could heal him, but...I don't think getting that close would be a good idea.
• Bri: They're trying to kill off my goddess. It's slightly irritating.

It's medical student quiz time. What the hell could possibly induce "diluted pupils" in someone, considering that the pupil is actually just a hole. How does one dilute a hole?

Who's Your Anime Boyfriend? *coughs* Um....who's Mamoru, and what anime do I need to go watch now?
What Dragon-Half Character Are You? *cackles* Is anyone surprised by this?
What Anime Type Are You? Mmmm, manga.
What Anime Stereotype Are You? ...So, um, am I a complete sap now?
What Anime Vampire Are You? Apparently, this is one I'm going to need to see....
What Forest Creature Are You? And, my English voice-over is done by Gillian Anderson. I think I need to watch Inuyasha. There was a whole bunch of stuff I wanted to say. Right now, however, I'm going to go clean up the apartment so we can have company.

The haxor handle of Ayradyss is "Trigg3r G0dd3ss".

What's yours? Enter your name:

The Governor came to class. We even delayed ending it an extra five minutes so he could see Real Medical Students learning Real Things. It consisted of the last three slides of Radiology, in which he asked us questions that we managed to get right, much to his surprise. And the Governor, looking at CAT scans, obviously had no clue at all. But it was fun nonetheless. Skipped out on the press conference. Bought two memory cards for Taika. (aiee, too expensive, but I need them) and decided to postpone buying software for a bit yet. Downloaded a few games, fixed Lindy's Clie, and am currently trying to work myself up to do notes. Damn, I hate studying.

Speaking of addiction...

#1: I am currently sitting in class, ostensibly listening to a lecture on gout. It's not that he's not interesting, not that the topic isn't relevant to my education, more that we've heard this stuff about 50,000 times already and he has yet to say something we didn't already know. Furthermore, his notes have almost nothing to do with what he's saying - appears he outlined the book (does he know we only read Cecil's as a last resort?) and then decided to lecture in whatever order he feels like. There's something counterproductive about it. The only interesting part of the lecture is the neat clinical pictures he shows. Mostly, we're making efforts to stay awake. If it weren't for the fact that I want Dr. Ragatz to make a good impression on the Governor's Visit this afternoon, I'd skip Radiology; I have no real desire to go. Due to acquiring Taika (yes, that's what I named the charming little Axim) last night at about 19:45 and subsequent dinner and playing with the little beast, I have yet again failed to study anything at all. And in all truth, I would probably benefit more from studying this afternoon than from going to Radiology. But the Governor's coming this afternoon and it wouldn't do to have nobody in Radiology, when he goes for his tour around the medical school. Not that Mr. O'Bannon's schedule has time to do anything but stop and see the three bright and shining stars of IUSOM... 2PM to 3PM; all carefully laid out in blocks. 2:00: arrival at IUSOM. 2:02: tour. 2:28: go to the medical library (Dr. Ragatz says I must see what they did with the thing). 2:30: R. introduces self, remarks. 2:33: next speaker. And so on. Mr. O'Bannon gets 6 minutes. The Press get 15 to ask questions. The whole mess involves Energize Indiana; apparently some kind of initiative to create life sciences interests in Indiana. Nice of them to involve us. Bloody researchers. Bloody politicians. Be nice to hear about it BEFOREHAND or something, rather than catching on by word of mouth... Jim, this morning: If I were a third-year, I could be a hero. Head-on car wreck; we don't know what to do that would be helpful. So he just blocked traffic for the ambulance.

Oh, and did I mention...

[Parental advisory: explicit lyrics] ...I called UPS to see about picking up the Axim tonight. Three phone calls later, I finally got hold of a real person. "Can you connect me to the Fort Wayne office?" No, he says, they don't have any phone numbers here. But the truck will try a delivery tomorrow... Nobody will be home between 10:30 and 2, I promise you. We all have fucking lives. We work and go to fucking school. Note: I did not actually continue beyond the first sentence. Okay, he says, I can have them hold it for you starting tomorrow. I want it now. I've only been waiting for this beast since fucking January. That office is open from 8 AM to 8 PM. Just fucking great. I don't want to wait until tomorrow. Off we go to the UPS office, at 7:00 PM, to see if maybe everything's all sorty and they can give me the fucking Axim. Rowr.

Rowr.

Talk about highs and lows...

• High: got the inspection report for the house today, and it's pretty darn good. Nothing major, biggest thing is we should stucco the chimney.
• Low: It's another check to write.
• High: Came home and there was a sticker on the door. Dell shipped my Axim and it got here today.
• Low: Dell just now charged me for the fucking thing, which meant that we suddenly had $600 in charges on the credit card that I'd thought were already there, pushing us within a few dollars of the limit. I charged lunch on that card today.
• High: We had our part of the downpayment money for the house in the bank, all squirrelled away safe.
• Low: I just had to pull a significant chunk out to cover the credit card before we get charged for going over, so now we have to put next Friday's check in there, and squeak by somehow.
• High: I did get the bills paid out of the alotted amount.
• Low: Too bad that the alotted amount was just barely enough to pay the bills. I have got to stop estimating so closely.
• High: Angel reminded me that the earnest money we paid goes toward our downpayment, so that counts toward the balance of "squirreled away", thankfully.
• Low: Although it was an interesting afternoon at the orthopaedic surgeon's office, we were mostly in the way the whole afternon. Eight of us, plus the doctor, plus the nurse, plus the patient and company, in an exam room. Argh.
• High: Last patient we saw was funny as hell. That was nice. And I had Casa! for lunch.
• Low: I charged Casa! on the Discover. Freakin' Dell.

Buying a house is expensive. Not to mention really sort of terrifying. I just want it all to be done with so I can settle down to a schedule with payments I know are coming and how much they'll be. In fact, right now, I'm going to go track down the $30 that Quicken thinks I have and Discover thinks I don't.

Lindy (going over tomorrow's schedule): And then we break for lunch. They don't provide it. Scott: How fucking cheap is that? They're orthopaedic surgeons! Not that we have a sense of entitlement, mind you. Just that every other doctor who has made us go off-campus for a lecture - particularly when we have lecture from 10-12 and then 1-4 at the same place - has provided pizza. Or Subway. Or let us order Mancino's. Anything so we didn't have to go out, get food, and come back in an hour. Which is stupid. And we're going to let them know about it, Scott says. I am not enriched by my two hours of Rheumatology lecture today. Not in the slightest. Ye gods, how tedious. Although Pathology with Dr. Lee is always fun. She's the cutest little Asian woman, and I love her accent. And now off to lab, since Bustamante neglected to talk fast enough to finish her lectures on time before.

AnimeEyesBad!

[GMs] Mortis twiddle.s [GMs] Miralys fiddle.s [GMs] Mortis> O_o ..... What are you fiddling? My Angel made anime eyes. I think I'm going to go cry now.

Moving tip #19: Resist urge to pop bubble wrap before packing fragile objects

...I kid you not, saw it on a moving truck next door. Almost died, so funny! Today has been a lazy sort of day, after picking Dad up from the Ford dealership up north, where he deposited Paul's car to be repaired in multiple ways. At 10 AM. Note that if I hadn't literally passed out in the first 10 minutes of xXx last night, there would be no way I'd have stayed conscious after getting home. As it was, I did. Last night was exhausting. So much so that I fell asleep on Angel's lap. So much for Quality Time. But I think I'm starting to catch up on sleep finally. Today, especially, as I did nothing at all until 4:00, when we went out to play laser tag. And discovered that the first available game was at 7:15. So we bought $10 worth of tokens and then spent them. And I got my name on sixth place on the high-scoring list on Area 51! Go me! And then had positively delicious Mexican at Cebollas, which means 'onions', and came back in time for roleplaying. We've now watched The Matrix and Tomb Raider, and I managed to pop The Care Bears Movie in before anyone stopped me. It's becoming all about mocking the movie. Some gems all began with "Yes, and Secret Bear used to be Bondage Bear until they decided not to explain that." Most of them will make more sense if you've seen the movie (out on DVD, with the original mono soundtrack...

• "Wow, it's Voyeur Bear."
• "And that one's Auto-erotic Bear."
• "Crackhead bear!"
• "So where's Larry Bear, Curly Bear, and Moe Bear?" "We don't need no mo'e bear..."
• "You know, if you didn't make your Caring Meter with only 8 points, it wouldn't drop so fast."
• "I wonder if the Care Bears are the religious right's answer to the Smurfs?"
• "Why is there a Grumpy Bear?" "Because you have to show all of your feelings, even the bad ones..." "So where's Homicidal Bear?"
• "What about Horny Bear?" "He's over in the corner, schmoozing Bashful Bear."
• "Oh, no, people stopped caring!" "And then the movie just lost all point because the director stopped caring..."
• "Great, we have Hydroplaning Bear now." "What's next?" "Underwater Basket-Weaving Bear."
• "You're ruining my grumpy image with this movie. Stop it."
• "Is that rock a penis? It looks like a penis!"
• "He's not Grumpy Bear, he's Cynical Bear." "Bitter Bear!"
• "Oops, I was almost cheerful there." "Must stay in role!" "Yes, but he's a Care Bear, so he can't be particularly evil or anything." "No, Sadism Bear is locked away in the closet with Homoerotic Bear." "And Masochist Bear."
• "It's a good thing they have these bears around to recap what's going on all the time. Otherwise we might forget. Since we're all three."
• "Oooh, Hermaphrodite Bear."
• "Note: Braveheart lion, not Smartheart."
• "Look! It's Convenient-to-the-Plot Bear!" "Plot Whore Bear strikes again..."
• "Oooh, mana bears! Tap them for a counterspell!"
• "...I just got my ass grabbed by proxy..."
• "Bad Hair Bear."
• "It's the Care Bears Rap. You have to have 'Fro Bear to go with the rap."
• "For some reason, that bear reminds me of Don King."
• "It's Cheap Thrills Bear!"
• "Brown-nose Bear."
• "Have we had Redundancy Bear again?"
• (watching the ruined midway sign, in unison): "Flash." "They had to label the lightning."
• "Paranoid-delusional Bear." "No, that's Getting-Misfortune Bear."
• "Can I be Suicide Bomber Bear?"
• "Someone spell 'Magician' for me?" "No, not like that" (on the screen: 'great magicininan')
• "I know why he looks evil - he doesn't blink!"
• "What, is this the public service announcement: if random strangers are chasing little kids, you should run like hell?" "No, it's the Andrew Lloyd Webber moment..."
• "He has Attention Deficit Disorder, see?" "He also has Intelligence Deficit Disorder."
• "...he's going to get sued by Libel Bear and Slander Bear." "After he spends some time in Anti-Care-Bear-Defamation-Therapy."
• "It's Fuck it All Bear!" "Robin Williams' Best Friend Bear!"
• (Movie): The spirit's power is too strong! "Yeah, it beat up a bunch of stuffed bears." "Fatalist bear: Naaah, we're fucked."
• (Movie): Care Bears... "Pee!"
• (Movie): Where are you hiding the boy and girl? "In my pants!" "They don't have pants. Just some of them have...rain slickers." "And pockets."
• "Emphysema Bear."
• "Look, it's Locksmith Bear!"
• "Thank goodness we had the narrator to tell us that, because otherwise we would never have known who won."
• "The great Ffiucinni?"
• "And now, the Care Bear Council, where we vote one bear out of Care-A-Lot..."
• "Look, Lion Bear has babies in his lap. He's secretly Pedophile Bear!"
• "It was Icepick Bear!"
• "...Water Sports Bear..."

Congratulations! You're Aragorn!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla Eeee! Legolas date!

Mmmm...

Bush, the elder, on atheists in this country, and one response. Ian, as a practising Christian, I think it's quite well written. Kudos to you. I can't think of anything to add to it, besides seconding your opinion that at least Bush the elder isn't president any more. And if I have my voice in this next election, neither will Dubya.

What???

92.3 FM has been playing their list of the top 923 classic rock songs of all time, as voted by their listeners, mind you. Reproduced for your pleasure here is their published list. And I was listening to the top 5 (note Another Brick In The Wall is there, good thing) and suddenly realised that Stairway to Heaven was #2. There had never been any doubt in my mind that Stairway would make the #1 song; it's the song that defines Classic Rock. Right? Apparently not this time. Van Halen's Eruption/You really Got Me beat out Stairway. I'm so confused. Buried in Zelda (yes, I'm still working on beating any one Zelda game once. Currently, it's Ocarina of Time) for like the third day in a row (I'm such a dork) instead of working on the online D&D stuff I'm going to run (LJ community if you like observing), but I keep telling myself as long as my players don't have their sheets up, why bother? I know how it's going to start out, after all. Also adamantly Not Studying. I'll get around to that later. Much later.

Awww....

(remotely) Tamlin nibbles you g'night, knowing you are likely asleep yourself anyhow, and even though he didn't bother to say hi. I wasn't. But it made me smile. Argh. I log onto Ansible for two seconds to check mail and get roped into staying there to arrange a trade. And now it's late, and all. And I can hear Angel snoring in the bedroom. Poor sleepy darling. Tomorrow's exam: 6 points of Paediatrics, which we have most of the answers for. 16 points of OB-GYN, which is (a) curved and (b) one of the lecturers was called to active duty and didn't lecture, but the section is still on the exam - so every question there is extra credit. 4 points of Urology, the all-the-answers sheet for which is still on my desk at school. Good thing Angel's dropping me off half an hour early. Total: 26 points. To which the Magic Excel Spreadsheet says: Pass: 23.46%. High Pass: 75.36%. Honours Pass: 121.54%. Now that is reassuring. And on that note, I'm going to bed.

Petal Fall

They say that sex and love are two different things: that truly loving someone is something that transcends the physical; that you don't have to love someone - or even really like them - to involve yourself in skin-on-skin intimacy with them. And I suppose, on the one hand, they're right.I can bump and grind with any old body; it has nothing to do with love. But I think there's something about the whole thing - and when it comes down to it, you fall a little bit in love every time. Sometimes, though, that little bit in love...sometimes it sticks. And then you're left wondering if you didn't somehow stumble into something that was just a little bit bigger than you thought it was; some cosmic monster of a card trick where you're the ace hiding up the sleeve of a shoddy worn-wool jacket, clips and pulls and wires and strings lining you up for a sleight of hand in the final act. You're left waiting for the flourish, for the 'that's-what-it-was-all-about' to make sense of something so strange that you hadn't ever imagined it would come to pass. And you wonder, sometimes, what's up the other sleeve.

Whoops.

Locked my keys in the car. Along with my white coat, my doctor bag, my stethoscope and the bottle of water I was looking for all morning. Whoops. But Rachel took me to the hospital and Dr. L let me do rounds anyway - "You can borrow my stethoscope, and -I- don't have a white coat, either" - so it worked out. Now waiting for Angel to come and get me. Saw Mrs. E, who was in for pneumonia. Lovely rales in her lungs. And Mr. X, who had a mitral valve replacement and a pacemaker implant and was already wanting to get out of bed. "He's Irish," his wife says, and that explains it all. And G.K., who was our H&P patient for the day. Accomplishments: successfully percussed and felt his liver, estimating size correctly. Got his heart rate right. Remembered most of my review of systems. I need to just grab someone, give them my history-taking card, and have them watch me take a history and see what I miss. Repeatedly. I need to memorise that thing. And now over to the house (HOUSE!) to let the inspector in so he can look it over (HOUSE!)...

Mike.

The most fascinating thing happens when Mike hears people express beliefs he doesn't agree with...he claims he follows logic, but he makes amazing jumps in it. Today's lecturer (an OB-GYN) made the statement that he feels that aborting a fetus for nonmedical reasons is the same as killing a baby in a crib. He did not attempt to sway us to his view, nor did he expound on the statement, which (if I recall correctly) was part of a brief digression spawned by a question. Mike's interpretation: "That's bullshit. This is a state school, he has no right to be up there preaching to us. He needs to remember separation of church and state." Not everyone who objects to abortion objects on the basis of religion, nor was it even mentioned. I brought that point up to Em after he left - having no desire to hear him hold forth on the topic for ages and ages. "I didn't even think about that," she murmured, surprised. Apparently, neither did he. Mike refuses to believe that religion and science can coexist. "I find it hard to accept that the majority of the people in this classroom believe that life came about without a human sperm fertilizing a human egg. How can they believe that bullshit and still accept modern science?" - in other words, believing in some sense the Biblical account of the conception of Christ is incompatible with believing in science. I'm not going to argue it right now, nor did I then; he wouldn't listen. But stranger things than auto-fertilisation take place in nature... Why doesn't he see that his slavish devotion to logic is as much a religion as any other, subject to the same human fallacies? He takes it so seriously...

Caution: may cause bowel dysfunction.

We were walking through Kroger yesterday, talking about obscure things to put in the muffins (Blueberry-pecan, they turned out to be, very yummy) - and we came across a box of Craisins. Now, Craisins - for those who don't know - will give you constipation if you eat too many. I have it on good authority. And I shared this fact with Angel. "So don't eat a whole box," he says. Me, walking through the aisles of Kroger, in a normal indoor voice: No, really. I think they should have a warning label: Caution: May cause bowel dysfunction. Just as we passed some poor innocent clerk restocking the shelves. I wish I had had a camera to capture his expression. We laughed all the way through frozen foods.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I don't know why I try. Sometimes I don't know who to feel sorry for and who to want to strangle. Sometimes I wonder, in the recesses of my mind, why you do this, if you really believe it's ever going to get any better - because it doesn't sound like you do. Sometimes I wonder, if I could stop letting this love I have for you blunt my words, if I could make a difference. And I wonder why the thought of you being angry at me is enough to silence me. I wonder if this mute frustration, this tearing that drives me to tears, is worth it. Sometimes I wonder. And I wonder if things will ever change. And sometimes I know it will not, not until it has gone its course, unhealthy, destructive, devouring...and I want to scream and I want to hurt you until you understand. And sometimes I wish I'd never met you and never gotten to love you, because then I could hurt you until you did understand, because I wouldn't be torn in half like I am. Goddamnit.