Sometimes...

Sometimes I don't know why I try. Sometimes I don't know who to feel sorry for and who to want to strangle. Sometimes I wonder, in the recesses of my mind, why you do this, if you really believe it's ever going to get any better - because it doesn't sound like you do. Sometimes I wonder, if I could stop letting this love I have for you blunt my words, if I could make a difference. And I wonder why the thought of you being angry at me is enough to silence me. I wonder if this mute frustration, this tearing that drives me to tears, is worth it. Sometimes I wonder. And I wonder if things will ever change. And sometimes I know it will not, not until it has gone its course, unhealthy, destructive, devouring...and I want to scream and I want to hurt you until you understand. And sometimes I wish I'd never met you and never gotten to love you, because then I could hurt you until you did understand, because I wouldn't be torn in half like I am. Goddamnit.