Page count: Pathology, 15.

The most common cause of severe isolated pure valvular regurgitation is floppiness. Floppiness. Is that a technical term? What he means is prolapse...but...right. Every now and then I relapse. Like tonight. And I think too many thoughts, and I don't know what any of them are. And I think to myself, and I'm glad suddenly that I lack the desire to go over to the cabinet and get out the bottle of Cap'n Morgan's. Because I don't want to get drunk. If I get drunk, I'll be fifteen again. If I get drunk, tonight, I'll be curled up in a corner, locking my hands together, trying so hard not to imagine what it would be like to tear my wrists open with my teeth, to block out the taste, the imagined pain. If I get drunk... I haven't been drunk, not that badly, since Ryken was still here. The night he told me "Ask me anything, I'm drunk enough to answer," and I couldn't ask him. I've been afraid to, ever since then, because it all came flooding back. And I don't want it to. I don't want to remember what it was like. I want to walk the road I've chosen, the road I've made for myself. I want that to be what I think, how I feel. I am not who I was, nor will I be again. And then I click over to my friends list to set up the security on this post, and I see someone's added me as a friend - someone I haven't seen in years...someone I didn't know had a LiveJournal. Dan, pardon me, but that totally creeped me out. Because I knew it was you as soon as I saw your username, and how the fuck did you find me? I've changed websites like ten times. Funny, how little things can change your mood. So fast. I was up, now I'm down again. See how long that lasts. I think it's time to go to bed: I feel like a badly made Vampire character - too full of angst with no reason for it. And it's not even test day yet. Fuck.