"You do realise you <i>match</i> the chair..."

• Jeff: I'm going to cast Magic Mouth sometime in this campaign. GM: You can make her boobs talk. "Suck me! Suck me!"
• Angel: Can I have Stitch as an Animal Companion?
• GM (to David): I know where you're going to come from. David: Your ass? GM: Your own ass.
• (A visual joke) Angel: I take my naginata and use it to commit seppuku.
• Me: I spar with the bitch. GM: Which bitch?
• GM: Crikey! Plot whore, plot whore!
• GM: She was a very powerful seer... Me: Too bad she couldn't see anything clearer.
• David: If you are not careful, I'll start summoning dire weasels. Lots and lots of dire weasels.
• GM: You can choose down, yes. Angel: I choose you, Pika...oh, wait.
• Bri: They were nice gems. They were very polite when you said 'hi' to them.
• Me: I go sell the two +1 masterwork kamas... Angel: And I hawk the semicolon +3. David: What's the critical with a comma? Jefe: You have to splice with it.
• Me: Oh, I forgot. We also had 3,901 in gems. GM: What? Me: Can I just round it up to 4,000? I don't want to do math. GM: Uhm, sure.
• Me: Okay, now we have more gold. Plus, I'm not carrying around one bejewelled glove, a flaming rapier, and dwarven chain. Angel: Yeth.
• GM: "Elven armours 'R Us." Bri: Is there a special 'sun elf' section of it? Me: Yes. It's called "Rivets".
• Angel: Actually, dragon armour isn't all that cool any more. GM: Mine is. It's dragon fuckin' armour.
• Me: Party treasure is 16,000 gold. Can we all outfit for that? GM: I'm not worried about that. Jefe: It's like a credit card!
• Angel: ...it makes me fuzzy. Me: Eww, shave. Angel: Wrong fuzzy.
• Me: Tell me how much they charge us total at the end. GM: Okay... Me: And then I'll go beat them up and steal it back. GM (laughing): Okay.
• GM: You can get them to lower the price significantly. Me: Yes, because I'm big and black and looming, and I added points to Intimidate. Angel: And you have big swords.
• Me: I look for something pretty and female. GM: You find a museum. Me: Pretty and female? GM: No, but if you go look at the tourist attractions, you find a museum. Jefe: I think it's a hint.
• David: So, is it normal giving you the finger (gestures) and drow giving you the finger (gestures with both hands)? GM: No, when drow give you the finger, it extends.
• Jefe: If there is Weird Shit, TM, I'll take note of it.
• Me: I'm wearing a ring of Mind Shielding. Not that it matters. GM: That's why I gave it to you. Me: Not hard to tell what he's thinking. Angel: "I'm pissed off." Bri: No, no, two modes: "I'm going to kill you." and "I am killing you."
• GM: You see three drow, one with wings, and two elves walk into the...bar. You work here. Bri: Tavern wench! GM: No, it's a museum.
• Angel: We see glowy balls of light? GM: You see a glowy ball of blackness.... Me (note that my character's colour scheme is exclusively black and silver): I want, I want, I want!
• David: There's a sign that says "Please do not steal from the museum." GM: He wrote it. Me: It's spelt wrong? David: No, it's in every language known.
• David (playing a celestial with 'light' at will): Welcome to the museum. Can I help you find anything? Me: Something not so shiny. David: Nope, sorry, everything's wonderful and shiny here in the museum of shiny-shinyness.
• Jefe: How big is the museum? David: It's huge.
• GM: Bard-boy, there's a library here... Jefe: Oooh. GM: It's huge. Jefe (timidly): Does it have a card catalogue?
• GM: It says "Deck of many things. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?" Angel: Just like that.
• Bri (looking at me): Does he count as misfortune?
• David: Death is an undead? That sucks.
• Me: I hit AC 22, 21, and 17... GM: Okay, roll damage. Me (rolling dice): Uhm...44 points of damage. GM: Right. Death hits you and does 2d8. For...16.
• GM: At least it maxed. Death had a little dignity before it...re-died.
• David: One of your friends turns against you. No, I think I'll avoid that one.
• David: Can I have my archon draw cards? GM: No. It has no hands.
• GM: They're cursed. They eat your flesh. Me: Oooh, Ebola bracers!
• Me: I now have +18 to Diplomacy...if I ever choose to exercise it.
• David: What happens when something that's 'Colossal' has Enlarge cast on it? GM: It gets a huge boner?
• David: Now, if I only had those 5,000 dire weasels running around, I could make really huge dire weasels...
• Bri: I need another feat. Angel: Aren't two enough? Why do you need three?
• David: What are 'shambling mounds'? Angel: Piles of shit. GM: That shamble.
• David: I want a Defending, flaming, frosting, shocking, ghost touch, keen, mighty cleaving, spell-storing, throwing, baneful, disrupting, flaming bursting, icy bursting, shocking bursting, thundering, wounding, holy, unholy, lawful, chaotic, brilliant energy, dancing, speedy, vorpal greatsword +5. Two of them. GM: Fine, but they're magnetic and they stick to your head. Angel: Plus 'monkey grip' so can you wield them both. They're size L. David: I'll just cast enlarge on myself. Angel: That only works on part of you. David: I'll have it wield one, then. Angel: Then you'll have to cast Prehensile penis, too.
• GM: Oh, that's right, I have an encounter running. Slow-ass.
• James: What can I pull out of that bag...? David (excitedly): Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! (etc.)
• David: I'm disappointed. With a name like "Doom" I expected a spell to be... Me: More doomful?
• (Visual joke) GM: Well, since you're flying, it can't do much but jump at you and go (making cat-arm-flapping gestures) Rahr, rahr, rahr!
• James (rolling): Spiked chains suck! GM: That's why I gave you one with abilities. Angel: So it sucks a little less?
• James: Fuck this! (points at GM, acting as intelligent spiked chain) You, zap it!
• David: I could heal him, but...I don't think getting that close would be a good idea.
• Bri: They're trying to kill off my goddess. It's slightly irritating.